Dear sleep thieves,
I have recently been questioning the effectiveness of sleep training. Frankly, there has not been enough undisturbed sleep in our house of late. I am increasingly sleep-deprived as the days wear on and you are tired and cranky. Each night we play musical beds and quite honestly, I’m a bit over it.
I love spending time with all three of you. Your cuddles are food for my soul. There is, however, one caveat to this: I love all these things during the day. Once the sun sets and the day is done, I prefer you all to be asleep in your (own) bed all night. This is simply not happening.
When it comes to routine, I followed basically the same course with all three of you. You all underwent some degree of sleep training as babies. I was perhaps more consistent with you, Scarlett, as one often is with their eldest. I became progressively worn-down with the arrival of each of your sisters.
Despite the different approaches to “teaching” you how to sleep, not one of you is an exceptional sleeper and none are dreadful (although, Thea, you are borderline). With each of you, I have gauged how much sleep training you could handle and never pushed you harder than I deemed appropriate. If I felt uncomfortable with your level of distress I would call it quits and endeavour to try again another time.
Five years into motherhood and nights of peaceful slumber are still infrequent. When I overhear other mothers talking about their “amazing sleepers” – or they tell me their toddlers have lie-ins (what the?!?) – I am left wondering, did I get it wrong? Should I have been tougher? More consistent? Did I overlook the answers in favour of mollycoddling?
My take on sleep training methods
There are so many sleep training methods from which to choose. I loosely followed Tracey Hogg‘s middle ground method for all three of you.
I never liked the idea of “cry it out“. Babies don’t cry to be difficult or a nuisance. It is how they communicate; they are trying to tell you something is wrong. Equally, I was never keen on going fully down the “attachment parenting” route (although there are aspects I like). I am a person too and I need time and space to myself.
I just worked really hard not to get you into the habits that would necessitate any sort of extreme intervention. This was essential when you were babies as I needed you to put yourselves to sleep so I could attend to your siblings.
One of you slept through the night at three months and another at nine months. Child number three, you are now 16 months and while you do know how to sleep, you just don’t like to.
The toddler years
We did really well until you were toddlers. It was Daddy who first sat next to your cot, holding your hands while you drifted off to dreamland. This must be when bad habits started to creep in. It surely couldn’t have been those nights when I was so exhausted I just dragged you into the bed and let you fall asleep, using my bosom as a soother. Uh-uh, no way did that encourage you out of your own beds.
Perhaps you got a taste for the good life when you were sick. We let you snuggle between us to make sure your fever subsided or your croup didn’t worsen. But what were we to do? Leave you to suffer on your own in another part of the house?
It can’t help that we leave lights on; monsters aren’t terribly keen on rooms with night-lights. We climb into bed beside you when you wake in the night. We allow you to share our own bed when requested. Bedtime is always longer than it needs to be as you debrief from your day and ask us to sit a while longer.
Conclusion about young children and sleep
The more I read and learn about sleep in these early years, the more I realise no amount of sleep training is going to change your make-up. No matter what time you go to bed, one of you will wake at the same time each day while the other will sleep a bit later if she’s had a late night. And Thea, well, you are an anomaly.
We can encourage good habits but, ultimately, we are human too. If I were a robot or my willpower were stronger I would never give in to bed-sharing or midnight cuddles. But sleep-deprivation is a vicious cycle. It breeds bad habits that cause more sleeplessness. Such is the nature of real-life parenting.
Each parent has a limit to how much sleep deprivation they can withstand. Once that limit has been reached I suspect they will employ whatever means appropriate to regain their sanity.
I have reached this limit numerous times but things always seem to work themselves out. Perhaps we don’t give nature enough credit for maintaining a balance.
On that note, it would be lovely if you all stayed in your beds tonight. If not, please call for Daddy and not me. And failing that, I will still love you. You seem to have trained me well.
Love,
Mum
