Navigating the Loneliness of Motherhood

I’m so lonely.

Why is that so hard to write? So hard to say out loud? It is as if admitting it to myself makes me somehow less likeable. When did I start to feel like I had no friends?

Unsurprisingly it coincides with the arrival of my eldest daughter. I loved being a new mum. It didn’t matter that I missed out on activities for the sake of maintaining a good routine. My life became all about this little baby and ensuring she thrived. I was okay with that. I am naturally introvert. Going for long periods on my own without adult conversation or company doesn’t really bother me. But the loneliness of motherhood can creep up on you and take you by surprise.

As another two babies arrived in the next three years and we moved countries, the pressure began to mount. I have written previously about the strains of motherhood and I realise now my tendency to go into my shell has been particularly unhelpful at this stage of life.

Making friends was never a problem for me in the past. I moved countries a few times and always managed to rally a community within a few months. I would strike up conversations, go along to social events, join church groups and do all the things I knew would stimulate friendships.

But these days I am just so tired. I want to make friends. It just takes so much energy to foster and maintain new friendships, an effort for which I lack capacity right now. Don’t get me wrong – I have met some truly wonderful people in the two years we have lived in Sydney. People have reached out, I just struggle to engage when I am constantly harrassed by three needy children.

All I keep thinking is how much I miss my “easy” friendships. You know the ones? Where you can be in each others company and not say much because you get each other. Or you can go months without seeing them and pick up as if you caught up the day before. I miss my besties.

The loneliness of motherhood can make you irrational, cynical and bitter. I see other mums in groups and wonder why I don’t have a group. If someone doesn’t engage me in conversation I immediately assume they don’t like me. It feels like the whole world is a posse and I am on the outside looking in. And the more bitter I become the more unattractive I must be to potential friends. It is a nasty cycle of loneliness.

So how do I overcome this feeling? How do I lift myself out of this pit of misery I have dug for myself? Here are four things I am going to try over the next few months as an attempt to change my mindset and improve relationships.

Go out for dinner with a girlfriend once a month

Most evenings I just want to get into my pj’s (the unsexy ones) and mooch around the house, enjoying my precious kid-free hours. I manage to pep-talk myself into a ballet class once a week but the rest of the time I can’t face going out.

This is understandable but it’s not going to do anything for my social life or morale. I need to get out of the house. I need to reach out to the lovely women who are in my life and make the effort to see them, without the distraction of little people.

As an introvert, I am better one-on-one rather than in big groups. A quiet dinner and a good old chinwag is my ideal night out.

Stop complaining so much

Whenever anyone asks me how our family are doing I usually reply with, “We’re fine but…”. Of course there is always going to be sickness, difficult behaviour, toddler tantrums and general hardships of motherhood. My friends care but they probably don’t need to hear about it all the time.

I think it would do me good to focus a little less on the negatives of motherhood and big-up the positives from time to time. Let’s face it, no one wants a killjoy around all the time. It’s draining and unendearing.

Leave the house even when I may not feel like it

There is nothing more isolating than staying indoors a bit too long with three young kids. Frustrations become exaggerated, everyone starts to fight and the atmosphere can feel unbearable. At those times I need to muster everything inside of me and force us all out of the house. It takes a lot of effort but we usually all feel better for it.

The perk of living in a fairly small community is that we almost always see someone we know. Just a familiar face is usually enough to get me out of the debilitating loneliness mindset.

Get over the “new kid in school” mindset

When you are new to an area it can feel like everyone already knows one another. This is simply not true and is just another one of those lies I have believed as a result of lonelines.

Also, I am no longer the new girl. We have been here for two years. Many other mums have arrived after me. I know people. It’s true, there are already many well-established friendship groups in the mum circles. But if I don’t feel like I fit in, it doesn’t mean I am unwelcome; it just means they are not my crew. It’s okay not to click with everyone I meet.

There are a number of lovely mums who regularly reach out and who I enjoy spending time with. As our kids reach school age I know the friendships will deepen as we travel the ups and downs of school years together. These things just take time.

As with many challenges of parenting, I find I reach a place where I can allow the struggle to overpower me or I can choose to change it. I have reached that point with the loneliness of motherhood. The side-effects have crept into my outlook, my attitude and my demeanour. I know I need to tackle it or I will begin to spiral.

Perhaps you feel lonely today. You are not alone. You are normal. You just have a lot on your plate and relationships take a lot of hard work. Maybe today you have the energy to reach out to one person. It might just be the pick-me-up to get you through another day of this motherhood journey.