I recently watched a short clip from an interview with Bear Grylls where he spoke about building our inner muscle. He said, “The currency of life is that inner muscle, that resilience… we can’t all be the best, but we can do our best.” His words landed at exactly the right moment for me. I had been carrying my children’s disappointments heavily, feeling their hurt deeply and questioning whether I was doing enough to guide them through their struggles.
On one level, I know I can’t — and shouldn’t — protect my children from life’s setbacks. This is the stuff that builds resilience. It’s what tests whether they can get back up, dust themselves off, and try again. I don’t want my children to give up at the first sign of hardship or adversity.
And yet, I am deeply empathetic. Knowing someone I love is in pain often feels harder than experiencing it myself. So I find myself wondering: what is the right way to help our children navigate disappointment and defeat?
Dr Justin Coulson, one of Australia’s most trusted parenting experts, speaks about compassion as a parental superpower. He explains that acknowledging our children’s emotions and validating their feelings gives them a safe place to process what they’re experiencing. He writes that “true compassion means sitting with their pain.” That idea resonates — and challenges me. Sitting with discomfort doesn’t come naturally. My instinct is to reassure, to tell them everything will be okay or that other opportunities will come. But I’m learning that this can interfere with their ability to process difficult situations. In trying to make it better, I may be unintentionally dismissing what they’re feeling right now.
One of the biggest shifts in my parenting has been accepting that I don’t have all the answers — and allowing my children to see that. I don’t want them to believe I can fix everything for them. But I do want them to know they can come to me with anything. That I will sit with them in the hard moments, love them through it, and do my very best to support and guide them as they find their own way forward.
Beloved Australian parenting guru, Maggie Dent, goes as far as suggesting we create opportunities for our children to feel disappointment. She likes the idea of reinstating the original Pass the Parcel where there was just one winner (heaven forbid!!). Again, it’s about building that inner muscle that allows for a shorter “bounce-back” rate after each experience. Some of her tips include practical strategies such as going for a walk or patting the dog, celebrating effort rather than outcome and reassuring them your love doesn’t change according to results.
My children have all loved working their way through The Big Life Journal. This is a great resource for teaching them to manage their feelings and helping them understand all emotions are okay. They come to believe each emotion is an opportunity to learn and grow.
As well as equipping my children, having my own toolbelt to dip into is also important. It helps me feel more empowered and confident as a parent, when I know I have to guide my children through tough times. I have less anxiety about that moment when I’m faced with the downcast face at the school gate or a bedtime cry on the shoulder.
Guiding our children through disappointment can be tough. However, helping them to see the bigger picture can take them from momentary sadness to a place where they can see beyond their immediate circumstances. And if all else fails, ice-cream usually helps too!
If you found this post helpful you might also like to read Parenting Without a Degree: How I Found My Way with Expert Help for more insights into positive parenting.
