It’s not quite 7am. I’m lying in bed and I can already hear the arguments arising while the kids fight over playroom domination. Some days I can handle the sibling conflict; the screaming, fighting over toys, gritting teeth and causing one another pain. Other days I want to lock myself in a wardrobe with a bar of chocolate, a cup of tea and a good book and let them fight it out. Test out the “Survival of the Fittest” theory.
Disagreements are part of family life. When it comes to resolving conflict, I regularly consult the parenting experts. I’m not trained in child behaviour so I rely on those who are. But I do have three kids so I’ve had a bit of experience with sibling conflicts!
The resolutions book
I can’t remember exactly where I saw this idea. It’s largely based on a method of conflict resolution in Parent Effectiveness Training and involves listening to one another.
These days the girls don’t ask for it as much, but they used to shout, “Mum! Get the book!” whenever an issue arose between them.
This is how it works:
- Find a notebook that you use solely for the purpose of resolving conflict
- When an issue arises, write down the problem or grievance
- Once everyone has been heard and the problem has been identified we begin to brainstorm ideas for resolving the conflict
- Everyone provides a possible solution(s) to the problem and every suggestion gets noted
- Once all proposed solutions have been recorded we choose one (or more) that is acceptable to all parties
I am always amazed at the outcome of these situations. Often, the kids come up with proposals I would never have thought of myself. And many times they are satisfied with a solution I would not have expected. Often they are off playing before I have even noted the favoured solution.
Encouraging autonomy | Give them a chance to sort it out
If no one is getting hurt, I simply try and stay out of it. I do hover close as my children are young so things can escalate quickly. Most of the time though they surprise me with how good they are at solving their own issues. I think modelling the conflict resolution method above has been a great tool that they have taken on board.
Constantly trying to referee their arguments is exhausting for me and I always ended up as the “baddie”. I make quick judgements about situations when I don’t know the whole picture or fully understand underlying feelings.
Admittedly, sometimes I miss the cue and leave sibling conflicts longer than I should. This week one of my daughters got badly scratched by her sister. It was a learning opportunity for them and me. There is a fine line between allowing autonomy and knowing your child’s limited ability to reason in a moment of vulnerability.
Listening
If I need to get involved I try to ensure I hear both sides of the story. It is instinctive to side with whichever child is screaming the loudest (my youngest!) but this ignores any circumstances that have led up to this point.
Once they have voiced their grievances I repeat back to them what I think they have told me. Sometimes all they want is to feel heard and validated and it’s enough for them to put the conflict behind them.
If not, they will still sometimes ask me to get out “the book”.
Avoiding triggers
While it’s great to have tools in my belt for solving problems, it’s far better to avoid them altogether.
If my kids are tired, hungry or haven’t had sufficient outdoor time or exercise they are far more likely to get cranky with one another.
If I suspect that a conflict is on the horizon, I either have to stay close or distract. One of the worst times for arguments is a Friday afternoon when everyone is a bit tired. At times like that I have no problem using the TV as a distraction tool while I get dinner cooked. At other times, I might just need to get everyone out for a walk.
It’s impossible to avoid sibling conflict altogether but there are certain things I can do to reduce the likelihood of them erupting.
Modeling empathy
I love what Denaye Borahona of Simple Families says to her kids: “Sometimes we get angry with each other, but we still love each other.” When my children fight I try really hard not to get angry with the child who has upset a sibling. Instead, I comfort the child who is hurt or crying and make sure they are okay.
Confronting anger with anger proves ineffective every time. I’ve noticed my children are far more loving toward one another when they see empathy modelled and don’t “get into trouble”.
Ultimately, my kids love one another and they’re working out how to deal with big emotions (as am I!). I certainly don’t get it right all the time but when I remain calm around them the situation diffuses far quicker than joining in with their choas.
How do you handle sibling conflict? I’d love to hear in the comments.
