There is a huge climbing web in a playground near our house. I recently watched my girls navigate their way up, down and along the ropes, taking risks to work their way to the top. A parenting metaphor began to unfold in my mind as I watched them find their way through the complexity of ropes.
We visit that playground on a regular basis. At first, the girls were too scared to attempt climbing the ropes. If they did muster courage they would stay near the bottom. But over the months and years, they have become familiar with the patterns. These days, they run to the web, eager to weave their way from the bottom to the (high!) top. They are more inclined to take risks.
It struck me how familiarity and rhythm can promote confidence and risk-taking. Each child attempts the upward climb differently but, nevertheless, they get there in the end. Granted, the 18-month-old hasn’t ventured further than the first ropes but she is still mastering walking! The other two girls are no longer afraid because they draw strength from previous experience and repetition. They will repeat the same route a few times until they feel confident to try a different way.
I have noticed this play out similarly in daily life. Routine is the backbone of our family interactions. For a while, I thought perhaps I was too rigid – boring, even – and needed to be more flexible. But over the years, I have seen how routine has provided security and assurance. When my children know what to expect at home – from meal plans to bedtime routine to weekly activities – they know they always have a safe base to which they can return. They are more inclined to take risks outside the home. As tedious as daily life can sometimes feel, I hope this regular rhythm, the beating heart of our home, will allow them to ascend great heights later in life.
It is hard to watch my not-quite-five-year-old balancing precariously on a thin rope, metres high in the air. On the outside I am smiling my encouragement. On the inside, I am calculating how quickly I can dive if I need to break her fall from the top of the web. But I love watching her assess her surroundings before each new step. She evaluates the risks then plots her course around the ropes. There are challenges to navigate on the way up and different obstacles on the way down.
It can be hard allowing our children the autonomy required to grow and develop. A mother’s instinct is to protect. It takes a lot of restraint to step back at times when you know they need to find a way through a problem on their own. I am always ready to dish out the advice when my daughters come to me with their problems. Sometimes it involves nastiness at school, other times they’re bored or maybe a sibling is annoying them. Yet, I’m learning to simply be a listening ear and to encourage them in problem-solving for themselves. I want to step in, I want to rescue but each time I do that I am robbing them of a chance to develop vital life skills.
Parenting can feel like a tangled web of emotions, mental ability, physicality and personal capability. Sometimes I think I am the one on the climbing web, trying to find my way around. I fear my feet will fail and I end up taking my whole family down with me. However, I too am reassured by the constants in my life that bring strength and renewed joy and confidence – structure, my faith, my husband, my passions.
If you’re interested in learning more about autonomy in children, you might like to listen to this podcast episode by Dr Justin Coulson.
