Dear daughters,
My greatest fear is that I will look back on this time in our lives and wish I had done it differently. The times I fail to show love or anger too quickly – should I have worked on being an improved version of myself before you came along? Is there a better way to parent you?
In all likelihood, yes, there probably is. Each day I strive to parent you as best I can. However, so much pressure to always have it together distracts me from the big picture: to enjoy these precious few years of you being my babies.
You see, motherhood has unravelled me. I thought I knew who I was until you three came along. Over the last five years, I have discovered an entirely different person to the one I thought I knew so well.
I read a quote recently which said of motherhood, “The days are long but the years are short”. The words gripped at my heart and forced the air out of my lungs.
There is always another agenda or chore at the forefront of my mind – the laundry, meals to cook, a house to clean and tidy. I find I rush through life like the White Rabbit, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!”, missing the point. If only I could simply embrace the days we have together, love you when you’re pushing me to my limits and – most importantly – remember this time will not last forever.
When I put you to bed at night, I breathe a sigh of relief that the day is done and I can regain some precious hours to myself. But I linger, stroking your hair and holding your hands. How long until you don’t need me to tuck you in anymore? Not long at all.
Some days I feel as if I might explode from the pressure of your requests, demands, needs and expectations. Recently, however, I have considered how different life will look in a few years when you can wipe your own bottoms, pour your own cereal and dress yourselves. It is a welcome reminder to myself to look at the bigger picture; you are growing up. There are already glimmers of hope when you clip yourselves into your car seats or brush your own teeth.
I’m sorry I don’t always get it right. I’m sorry when I wish the days away in favour of easier years ahead. I’ll always think of you as my babies but the reality is that you won’t be for long.
Love,
Mum