Are you just getting through each day, dear mama? Simply existing rather than thriving? Do you feel like you are barely surviving motherhood?
I’m staring at the ocean as I contemplate what to write next. It dawns on me this was always my dream: to be sitting somewhere, overlooking the ocean, writing. Dreams are really strange that way; sometimes they come true but it looks different to how you imagined. You don’t recognise that your hopes have been realised.
I think motherhood can occasionally feel like that. You imagine what life will look like when you become a parent. You will be an “Instamum” with the tidy house and grateful children. Yet, somewhere along the way you forget what a blessing it is to be a mother. The chaos of life clouds your perspective.
For the last few years I have let this feeling get the better of me. It has influenced the way I parent, how I react and how I feel about life in general. I got to the point where I didn’t want to be that mother anymore. When I realised motherhood didn’t have to feel like this, I began to recognise more quickly when life was out of balance and something needed to change.
My days are occupied by small people who can do very little for themselves. They make never-ending demands for attention, need constant feeding and don’t even allow me to relieve myself in peace (hell hath no fury like a toddler who has been shut out of a bathroom!).
Over the years I’ve learned to rely on a few strategies to sustain me in surviving motherhood. These are some things that help me to feel less daunted by the overall responsibility of parenting. Most are fairly obvious but I think we sometimes overlook the simple habits in pursuit of more grand solutions.
GET ORGANISED
In my pre-kids life I was a personal assistant. This is somewhat ironic because some days I can’t even organise my own family enough to get them out the door. Yet, the longer I travel this parenting journey, the more I realise you need to have systems. When you are having a bad day or week, it can be such a relief to know the important details are in-hand. If you have a weekly meal plan in place, the kids clothes simplified (and they can reach them), a wash load going and a few go-to activities up your sleeve, you know you will survive another day.
LISTEN TO ENCOURAGING PODCASTS
I recently jumped onto the podcast bandwagon. I have to say, it has been a revelation. As much as I love reading, my capacity to find time to read (and absorb it) is so limited. Alternatively, I can play podcasts when I am driving, vacuuming, doing my makeup or folding washing. There are so many wonderful and informative podcasts available and some of them have been truly life-changing for me. My current favourites are The Art of Decluttering, Simple Families, Mama Minimalist, Happy Families and The Simplicity Parenting podcast.
DECLUTTER AND CLEAN UP
Since the beginning of the year I have been on a mission to declutter our home. I’ve never been much of a hoarder. However, once I started to purge the excess I realised just how much stuff I hold onto or needlessly accumulate. As our house becomes less cluttered, there is less to tidy away, less to clean and it has a ripple effect on my mood.
Equally, if I haven’t cleaned the house in a couple of weeks I begin to feel anxious. I see dirt and dust everywhere and I feel out-of-control. Using my precious free time to clean can feel counterintuitive but it is well worth the resulting positive impact on my mood. Plus, as previously mentioned, I can put on a podcast and attempt to make the most of the time.
FIND HELP
One of the most difficult aspects of parenting for me has been the lack of family support. We do have supportive families, the only problem is the distance that separates us. For a couple of years I tried to do everything on my own. I will tell you now, it might be physically possible but it is emotionally and mentally draining. I was left with nothing more to give. We have been incredibly blessed to find a babysitter/part-time nanny who genuinely cares for our girls and lives five minutes away. This is an ideal situation for us and has meant I don’t have to do it all, on my own, everyday. That was just not sustainable.
I know this isn’t necessarily an option for everyone but if you have friends who offer to help, let them. If someone you trust says they will watch your kids while you take a nap, accept the offer. It is all about tapping into your community when family support is not an option. There are also some wonderful schemes where mums get together to give each other a break. Here in Sydney, Surfing Mums is a great scheme where one mum watches the kids while the other surfs.
Asking for or finding the right help is not easy. It took me a long time to be willing to reach out and find the right person. But whatever it might look like for you, find a way to share the load.
GET OFF INSTAGRAM
*sigh* The many hours of my life I have wasted looking at other people’s pictures and wondering why my life doesn’t look like that. Or why I can’t even make it look like that because my photos are always blurry and a child is screaming or there is too much mess in the background. I am preaching to myself here more than anyone else. Stop looking at people’s Instagram accounts and thinking it is real life. It. Is. Not. Real. Life.
Scrolling through social media is seldom uplifting, helpful or life-affirming. If you are a Facebook or Instagram addict, like I tend to be, unfollow the accounts that make you feel bad about yourself or do not contribute anything positive to your life. Better yet, limit yourself to hoping onto Instagram or Facebook only a couple of times a week and then choose to be present, in the real world, for the rest of the time. Feeling like you are not good enough is never going to make you a better mum or person. It will have the opposite effect.
BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT TIME AWAY FROM THE KIDS
It has taken me many years to acknowledge just how much time I need away from my children. I posted previously about taking time out for myself because this is such an important aspect of parenting for me. Basically, I need a few hours to myself every single day. Not once a week, or just on a weekend, but each and every day. My preference is to wake up before everyone else in the morning but recently the baby has been waking too early for me to do this.
So, I’ve had to do a bit of juggling to grab a couple of hours elsewhere. I know I need to be flexible in these early years but I also have to stay on top of ensuring I get those hours to myself. When I become snappy and short with the girls, or I start to get annoyed about the small things and I am eating a lot of chocolate, it is time to get away from it all more regularly.
FIND AN OUTLET OR HOBBY
It can be so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like being a mum is just what you do now. It becomes your everything, your purpose in life, your all. While this seems noble, it is probably not great long-term. You may find you start to resent your children because you feel you have no life outside of them. Trust me; been there, done that, got the puked-on-food-splattered-muddied t-shirt.
It’s time to re-engage with your BC (before children) self and recall those things you loved to do prior to having children hanging off you. Some things – like eating out three times a week – may not be an option right now, but you’re likely to find a few hours to get to a pilates class, sew a cushion, read a novel or go for a run.
ROTATE TOYS
One of the few positive things I have gained from all my hours on Instagram are the play ideas and toy room setups. This is where I first encountered the idea of rotating toys and – coupled with toy decluttering – it has transformed the way my children play at home.
I try to rotate their toys each week but some weeks I get a bit slack or I don’t have the time to do it. But the benefit of introducing different toys into their environment, on a regular basis, definitely keeps them more engaged in independent play; this is so vital when you have young children who are close in age. You don’t have to have a huge library of toys, just use what you have and switch them in and out of circulation.
MAKE PACK AWAY TIME PART OF THE ROUTINE
There is nothing worse than getting all the kids into bed only to walk into a play space that looks like it has had a mini tornado rush through it. Although my girls aren’t always enthused by the idea of tidying up after themselves I am quite firm about making sure their space (and any overflow) is tidied up before they go to bed. Most days I am involved in the clear-up but I always ensure they are active participants, teaching them that packing away is part of play.
These few things have made such a difference to everyday life for myself and my girls. Of course my experience is unique. Not all of these ideas will work for your situation. But the important thing is to find the systems that work for you and to keep going back to them. No doubt you’re already doing a great job of surviving motherhood. Maybe you just need to be reminded to do the things that are beneficial for you.
Life with little ones can be taxing at the best of times. By implementing a few helpful practices I believe it can be enjoyable amidst the unpredictability and mayhem.
You’ve got this, mama.
Love,
Mum Rox
