Disciplining Children | My Experience with Managing Difficult Behaviour

Before I had children, I expected things – such as disciplining children – to come naturally once I had kids. In fact, I have found it is quite the opposite. When it comes to disciplining my children, I have been on a giant learning curve over the last four-and-a-half years.

There was a time when I relied purely on my instinct and drew from my own experience in order to discipline my girls. I would shout, nag, enforce time-outs and even, regrettably, resorted to smacking. Over time, it became apparent my methods were ineffective. Those episodes almost always left me feeling dreadful and I still look back on those days with remorse. Each time I yelled or punished, I felt I had created a barrier between myself and my child and that is not the parent I wanted to be.

When my daughter started becoming utterly hysterical each time I sent her to time-out, I was forced to seek an alternative way of managing her behaviour. No matter how difficult a child’s behaviour seems, causing such distress went against my values as a mother. I couldn’t do it anymore.

In my search for alternatives to traditional methods of discipline, I have become quite passionate about this area of parenting. Majority of my day is guiding and instructing and if I do it badly, my children will be affected now and into adulthood. This can either overwhelm me or it can motivate me to be a better mum. I choose the latter.

I am by no means an expert but simply a mother who is on a journey to treat my children with respect, love and kindness. Sometimes I get it right and other times I feel like the worst mum in the world. If you’re reading this as a parent, I figure I’m in good company.

I am merely scratching the surface here as I’m aware this is a BIG, hot topic that people have studied in-depth. If you wish to read further I will make some suggestions at the bottom of this post.

What does it mean to discipline?

I always thought that disciplining children meant you make them do “the right thing”. I was led to believe that parents know best and children are to listen to what they say and just obey. Does anyone else have trouble getting their head-strong toddler to do what they say 100% of the time?

The word “discipline” originates from the Latin word disciplina. This word is complex but its meaning includes “instruction, education or training”. Dr Justin Coulson suggests our role as parents is to “teach, guide and instruct” when disciplining children.

My habits of shouting, yelling, nagging, threatening, punishing and even rewarding were not teaching my children anything constructive. All I was modelling was anger and missing so many opportunities to show them a better way.

Punishment vs consequences

It never crossed my mind that there might be an alternative to punishing “bad” behaviour. It was just ingrained in me that children needed to be taught right from wrong and I assumed punishment – or at least threats – was the means to do this. However, I started to feel uncomfortable about the impact of repeated punishment and threats on my children and our relationship. Their behaviour actually seemed to be deteriorating rather than improving.

When you punish a child, you expect they will go off and think about what they have done. In reality, what they go off and do is think about how much they don’t like you right now. They feel unfairly treated. What’s more, a decision to go straight to the authoritarian approach robs you of an opportunity to find out what is actually going on beneath the surface. In most cases, I found punishment was hurtful and relied on shaming the child, neither of which are feelings I wish to inflict on my girls.

On the other hand, I am all for allowing children to face the consequences of their behaviour and their choices. If my daughter hits her sister and her sister then refuses to continue playing with her, she must face the natural consequence of hurting another person. I may also voice my displeasure and explain why we don’t hurt other people and then suggest alternative means to vent her frustration during play.

In the past, I probably would have sent my daughter straight to her room but she would have learned nothing from the experience. It is likely she would have gone back and done exactly the same thing again. If I calmly give her an alternative to her wayward behaviour, maybe next time she will think twice before lashing out. If not, we repeat the process until something eventually sticks. Children will be children, after all.

Adjusting what I expect from my children

From the time my eldest daughter could talk, I started to view her as a mini-adult. Now that she could communicate like an adult I expected her to act like one. I never made allowances for how undeveloped her brain was as a toddler. As I have learned more about child development I have adjusted my expectations of what my children are able to comprehend and even how they behave. It is unfair to expect my two-year-old to share when she is mentally incapable of doing so because her amygdala (limbic system within the brain, which is responsible for emotions, survival instincts, and memory) is so immature.

In a recent episode of the “Parental as Anything” podcast, parenting experts Maggie Dent and Vanessa Lapoint discuss this issue and explain how our brains are not properly developed until our mid-twenties. No doubt, it will do me well to remember that during the teen years!

The value of empathy

When I rush in to correct my children, I miss opportunities to discover what is really going on and why they are behaving in a particular way. My tendency is to judge their actions before I have taken the time to find out what actually happened or why they acted that way.

A few weeks ago, my daughter woke up in a testing mood and from the time she got out of bed she began pushing my buttons. She was ignoring all my requests, annoying her sisters and being generally defiant. Mornings are already a stressful time for me as I try to feed and dress three very young children. I could feel my patience wearing thin…very quickly.

I was about to tell her exactly what I thought of her behaviour when I caught myself and took her aside instead. We sat down and I asked her what was going on and if she was feeling sad about something. She responded with, “Yes, I’m sad because Daddy used to work from home on Fridays and now he doesn’t do that anymore.” My husband had been working away from home a lot and this was her way of saying she missed her dad. Once we had talked through the issue and I’d given her a big hug she felt heard and her behaviour improved significantly.

I have found empathy to be a far more effective disciplinary tactic than shouting or punishing ever proved. It forces me to assess my own reactions and allows my children the chance to be honest and open with me. I expect this trust-building will prove very valuable in years to come.

So, how do I get them to listen?

If I no longer rely on the traditional means of disciplining children by forcing them to “obey” me, how on earth do I get them to do what I want? The truth is that sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. But we have a far happier family for it and I feel satisfied that our relationships reflect those of other normal relationships outside the home. Relationships should be mutually respectful and this is what I aim for in our family. My children have opinions and preferences and I wish to nurture these rather than forcing them into a mould of my own choosing.

When I feel strongly about an issue I make sure they are aware of my feelings. If they have acted in a manner which is unacceptable to me, I let them know my feelings in the following manner:

1. Call out the action rather than blame or accuse the child
2. Explain the consequence of their action
3. Tell them how it makes me feel

For example, I am trying to tie-up my daughter’s hair, we’re running late and she keeps walking away from me. Instead of saying, “You are being really difficult! Would you stop walking away from me?!” I might use an “I” statement instead. Saying something like, “I don’t like it when you walk away from me. It takes me extra long to do your hair, making us late. I find this really frustrating!” Most of the time this is enough to get my daughter to understand why I need her to stand still.

I’m careful to judge the action rather than what I perceive as the intention behind it. If I say to her, “You are being so disobedient!” I am making an assumption about her behaviour which may not be true at all. It is likely she just wants to go and play and doesn’t really care what her hair looks like. By telling her what I don’t like about her behaviour I am giving her the opportunity to do the right thing rather than forcing her into submission.

This method (also known as the “i-message) has taken a lot of practice because it doesn’t come naturally. But after a few months, I can see how effective it is in getting my children to understand how their behaviour impacts those around them. Don’t get me wrong, I still find myself resorting to “angry mum” in moments of frustration. These outbursts are less frequent though and my relationship with my children is all the better for it.

I am aware there is so much more to be said about this issue. If you are interested in reading further on any of the above, I have some book suggestions on Pinterest.

You may find it useful to read up a bit more on Autonomy Supportive Parenting, respectful parenting and positive parenting.

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