Each week I post on this blog about the experience of being a mum, ways to alleviate the stress of parenthood or how to improve family life. This week I feel like an imposter. It feels like I have missed the mark in every area of my life. Is this motherhood?
Exhaustion and the relentlessness of day-to-day parental duties have overwhelmed me. Disrupted sleep continues to serve as a mild form of torture and my mind and body are simply not coping. I’ve been eating badly, doing no exercise and waking each day with a feeling of dread in my stomach.
On Tuesday I scraped our car, I’ve unintentionally left doors open, yelled at the kids, cried and wanted to just walk away from my life. This is not what I signed up to. Is this motherhood?
I lay in bed last night, contemplating the week gone by and wondering how I got here…again. Things go well for a while but I always seem to hit a low point after a few months. The symptoms seldom differ: frustration, exhaustion, lack of motivation, helplessness, overwhelmed, angry, resentful, inadequate.
It dawned on me that so many of the “experts” I follow on social media or whose books I read have all experienced similar feelings. Almost all of the parenting gurus I have come to respect and admire admit to hitting rock bottom at some point. In most cases, it is this all-time low which has forced them to seek help or make drastic changes to the way they live their lives. When you can fall no further there is no choice but to work out how you are going to get back up. Is this motherhood?
Staying in my current state of misery means being the type of mother I do not want to be. So what is my catalyst to motivate me out of this hole? What is the thing that drives me to pick myself up and helps me believe I am better than this? Where am I headed that is different from where I have come from before?
I doubt I will ever be one of those people who find that one thing they claim as their revolutionary idea. I’m more of a buffet kind of person. Take little bits from here and there, eat what I enjoy, leave what doesn’t take my fancy. So, these are the things I hold onto when I know I need to encourage myself out of the doldrums.
THE LOVE I HAVE FOR MY FAMILY
No matter how difficult or relentless daily life can sometimes feel, I know I will never give up. The love I feel for my nearest and dearest spurs me on. Sometimes it can feel like the only thing that keeps me going. At times, my love is like an unmotivated cheerleader whose team is losing. They have lost motivation to cheer but they have a job to do and they’re going to see it through to the end of that game. And every other game after that.
MY FAITH
I feel so grateful to have a place I can turn whenever my hope is waning. When life is too much, looking up and above my circumstances reminds me I have a Heavenly Father who cares. He is bigger than anything I face and loves me beyond measure.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
Psalm 121: 1-2
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
SLOWING DOWN
If I have learned anything this year, it is that slowing down and simplifying are forgotten arts in today’s fast-paced world. When the walls start to close in on me and I feel suffocated by my life, I know I need to just stop and take a deep breath.
The pressure I am feeling is usually self-inflicted and there is nothing so urgent that it is a priority over my mental health. The cleaning can wait another day, so can the laundry and other menial chores.
I’m most relaxed when we have no activities booked in for the day and we can all just potter at home. Sometimes I like to declutter a drawer or a cupboard, do some baking with the girls or apply myself to a task that has been on the to-do list for a while.
Slowing down and simplifying means releasing myself of the expectations I shoulder, to live up to a standard of motherhood that does not exist.
BELIEVING I HAVE MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO BE A BETTER PARENT
This week I have resorted to nagging, angry outbursts, yelling and crying. I have had to apologise to my children and I have been hard on myself for employing disciplinary tactics I know are ineffective.
Yesterday, my daughter kept asking me to play with her. I played a couple of card games but she was persistent the entire day. Eventually, I voiced my frustration so she said she would play a game on her own. Only, this began to cause issues for her younger sister, who ended up hurting herself, so I asked her to pack the game away. Her response was simple defiance and I lost my cool.
On reflection, my reaction was disproportionate to her behaviour and I could tell I had hurt her. I felt devastated. As she sat at the front window, counting the cars that drove by, I went to her and cried an apology. She didn’t know how to react but later I could tell she had taken in what I had said and she appreciated my humility.
Today, a similar situation arose and I handled it very differently. I stated the facts and made my request of her. The outcome was very different and everyone felt heard and respected. By patiently waiting for her to do the right thing, I gave her time to process my request and make a good choice for herself.
Each day I can decide what sort of parent I want to be. Some days I may have the strength to patiently endure, other days I may not. But as the sun rises on each new day, new beginnings present themselves and opportunities for redemption are aplenty.
How will I avoid ending up here again? To be completely honest, I’m not quite sure. But each time I fall I find myself staying here for a shorter time than I did previously. So something is working.
Today I choose to believe I am enough, as I am. This is motherhood.
