To my second daughter,
When you were three weeks old, you fell out of a sling. One minute you were curled up snuggly on my chest, tightly wrapped up in a cloth which was secured to my own body. The next minute you were lying on the tarmac of the parking lot. I didn’t feel you fall. You were still so tiny and light. I only heard the thud as you hit the ground. For one second you didn’t make a sound. I thought you were dead. It is the day my mum guilt set in.
They say time heals but I still feel sick when I recall those horrible moments.
We took your first trip in an ambulance (not your only one) and you were miraculously fine. Or at least that’s what the doctors said. I was convinced I had damaged you irreparably. I watched your every move in the days that followed. I analysed your breathing. I listened to your cries with new-found alertness, hearing changes that weren’t really there. I sobbed for weeks. It was the first time I realised mum guilt was a thing.
When you ask me to tell you stories about when you were a baby, that episode is all I can recall. I have to dig really deep to think of the other moments such as your first smile, or if you slept well or the many other precious moments we shared.
I’m so sorry. Not so much for the fall; that couldn’t have been helped. I’m sorry I let anxiety rob me of the joy of being your mum. I’m sorry I let it overshadow all the beautiful moments. I’m sorry I wasted so much time regretting and worrying, instead of just enjoying the here-and-now.
You see, mum guilt is extremely powerful. It crippled me emotionally; made me feel like I was in over my head. It caused me to question if I was cut out to be a mum at all, let alone to two children. That fateful moment set off an anxiety in me that took a couple of years to shake off. I went through the motions of parenting but I wasn’t the mum I wanted to be to you and your sister.
If I think too long and hard about the enormity of motherhood I still get overwhelmed. But the longer we are together, the more I realise parenthood can be done well. My aim is not perfection, rather it is to be the mum you and your sisters deserve. As l guide you and love you, my prayer is that you will be released to become the very best version of yourself; the person you were designed to be.
Love you so much my Kyla-Smiler,
Mum
My darling daughter Roxanne I have spent the last few years since this happened warning other Mothers not to use slings as what happened to you traumatised me as a Granny too! You are an amazing Mother who has always put the safety of your children first and Scarlett your first born had used this very same sling without any incident and this was just a unexpected and rare incident with the sling. It has had no impact on Kyla’s life as she is perfect, healthy and has no recollection of this happening. As Mothers our natural instinct is to protect our children from harm and there were many occasions when you three children of mine were growing up that you suffered injury or harm that was beyond my control. We’ll always carry guilt in one way or another as Mothers but we always do our best for our children and they love us xxx
Author
Thank you Ma. Yes, our little Kyla is too much of a bright spark for it to have had any impact. Love you lots. xx