Dear daughter,
I have a secret to tell you. Come closer so I can whisper:
“I used to be someone else before you met me.”
You don’t believe me but it’s true.
This morning we built and destroyed sandcastles as the crash of the waves signalled the coming of spring. I looked over at you and marvelled at how different life looks today to how it did a year ago. This serene scene was one I dreamed of but the reality of life with three small children kept getting in the way. I thought it would always be that way.
From the moment your eldest sister was born, life changed. And then it changed again and again and again. Because that’s what kids do. You change. All the time. And if I don’t keep up, I begin to stumble in your wake.
You are at the age where you develop on a daily basis. There was a time when I wished these toddler days away but now I just wish you wouldn’t grow up so quickly. I’ve only been a mum for five-and-a-half years and yet it feels like there has been a lifetime of change already.
I realised something recently. It felt profound but maybe it was just profound to me; one of those “mum secrets” that no one tells you that you have to discover for yourself. Here it is: becoming a mum means learning to be adaptable.
I’m not talking about the odd compromise here or there. I’m talking big time flexible. Like, be willing to change down to the core of who I am; my beliefs, my attitudes, my outlook, my habits, my reactions, my expectations. I’ve had to be able to upskill on the spot, take time to learn new ways of doing/being and accept that if things aren’t working, maybe I am the one who needs to change. There is no place for stubbornness or rigidity.
There are days when I start to feel a bit smug because I think I’ve worked out a way to do this parenting thing well. Then you all go and change on me and I’m forced to adjust, revise and find a new way forward.
As one season rolls into the next, you change again, I modify. We have personal winters but spring always comes. Your bodies grow bigger by the day, so does my heart.
There was a time when I would have thought myself incapable of such flexibility. I barely recognise who I am and perhaps there was a season when this really scared me. I felt like I may never see the old me again.
And then I realised that wasn’t fear, it was the truth. She is gone. You will never meet the person I was before I became your mum. But that’s okay. This version is the one who loves you with every fibre of her being. We’re both different from when we first met. And we’ll both be different again. As long as we change and adapt simultaneously, we’ll ride the waves together and enjoy the journey to who we were meant to become.
Love,
Mum
Further reading on the blog:
Surviving Motherhood: 9 Tips for Thriving in the Early Years
How I Cope When I’m Overwhelmed by Motherhood
