We’re currently enduring round three of tantrum stage in our household and it is not for the fainthearted! I thought I knew tantrums but then my third child reached her twos. Sometimes she can scream and throw herself around for up to an hour. It’s distressing for everyone involved.
So I’ve gone back to the experts to see if I can find some tools to get her (and the rest of the family!) through this really taxing stage of toddlerdom.
Why does my child have tantrums all the time?
Dr Justin Coulson, one of Australia’s most respected parenting speakers, authors, and researchers, says a tantrum is a result of an unmet need. Research shows children typically only begin to see things from another perspective from around the age of 4-5 years old. Before that, you are likely to see extreme emotions when their expectations are not met (like when you dare to say “no”!).
Tantrums can also arise when your child is hungry, tired, feeling stressed, wants more of your attention, frustrated or their desire for autonomy is being interfered with.
Dr Coulson highlights this is all very normal. A toddler is seeking more independence, their language is developing (but not fully developed) and their perspective is still very narrow.
Is my child trying to be difficult when they tantrum?
Kim John Payne, M. Ed, author of the bestselling book, Simplicity Parenting, says, “Nobody gets to skip the soul fevers and growing pains of life. In order to learn who they are, and what feels right to them, a child must grapple with these emotional upsets. It’s all part of self-regulation.”
In her book Toddler Tactics, Pinky McKay says, “It can help to think of a tantrum as an intense storm of emotion that a toddler isn’t equipped to handle, rather than an attempt to wield power over everyone around him.”
In short, no, my child is not tantruming because they are being “bratty”. They are having a meltdown because they are learning how to navigate uncomfortable emotions. Tantrums are the only way they know how to react until they become better equipped developmentally.
Can I prevent tantrums?
We’ve established a tantrum results from an unmet need. If we could ensure a child never gets hungry, tired, uncomfortable, thirsty, bored, frustrated, feels anxious, lonely, disconnected or unloved then sure, tantrums are preventable! But I’ve been a parent for longer than two minutes, so I know that’s just never going to happen.
Placing unrealistic expectations on my parenting is unhelpful. It’s far more beneficial to remind myself that emotional outbursts are a vital part of development and to arm myself with tools for handling them.
Should I ignore my child when they are tantruming?
The experts are unanimous on this one. Ignoring a child who is feeling vulnerable, upset, angry or misunderstood is the opposite of what they need from us at that moment.
Maggie Dent, a respected parenting author, educator and speaker, says “denying or minimising big ugly feelings denies an opportunity to teach our children how to manage such feelings”.
Dr Coulson warns we essentially shut the child out of our life at the very moment they need us the most.
If I ignore my child in a moment of intense emotion I am missing an opportunity to model empathy, compassion, kindness and respect. It’s a chance to show them I love them no matter what they are feeling and despite how they are acting.
Can I talk my child out of a tantrum?
On her blog, Maggie Dent says, “When a child has a significant meltdown or is extremely upset there is little point in us trying to appeal to their left brain or their logical brain by being rational. Once the cortisol levels are too high – talking and explaining may make things worse.”
From experience, I can confirm there seems no point trying to talk to or reason with a screaming child. Best wait until the storm has passed to talk about what was going on.
What is the best way to deal with my child’s tantrum?
There are so many ways suggested by the experts that I’m going to do a bullet list summary of some of their suggestions. This way, when my daughter tantrums I can pick one, like in a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book!
- Make sure I am staying calm – this is vital as I will only exasperate the problem if I join in the child’s chaos.
- Go somewhere quiet and calm where there is no audience.
- Try to distract them if it is only a minor meltdown.
- Stay with the child – I could offer a hug or cuddle but my child usually doesn’t want to be held when they are upset.
- Label their emotion by repeating back to them what I think has upset them.
- Quietly lie down on the floor nearby and be still.
- Stay consistent with how I respond. If I sometimes give in to their requests just to tame a tantrum, this could be really confusing for them and harder to deal with next time.
- Once they have calmed down a bit I can offer physical reassurance such as a hug and work together to deal with the underlying problem.
- Send them some rainbows of love – I think this is my favourite suggestion from Maggie Dent!
Some further resources
When Children Are Hard Work – Maggie Dent
Toddler Tantrum Tip Sheet – Dr Justin Coulson
Are you going through tantrum stage with your little one? Share your experience with the Love, Mum community in the comments (or on the Facebook page) and let’s support one another.
